The Boat, the Wind, and the Wisdom to Change Course 🚣♀️
A friend once told me that her relationship was "a total failure" because it didn't end in marriage. Something about that phrase felt off to me, but I couldn't quite put my finger on why at the time. 🤔
Now I know. The language of "failed relationships" assumes there's only one acceptable outcome - that relationships are pass-or-fail tests rather than collaborative journeys of discovery.
The Problem with Binary Thinking
Most of us grew up with the mentality that you either succeed or you're deemed a failure. By age 30, people call themselves failures for not having an "established family." Others feel like failures for not having the glamorous career others expect.
This binary thinking creates unnecessary self-loathing. It doesn't make sense to beat yourself up for not excelling at everything when every attempt teaches you something valuable about yourself. 💭
Two People, One Boat 🛶
Think of relationships as two people sharing a boat, navigating together toward a common destination. At the start, both should identify where they want to go - this ensures a smooth departure. But along the way, you might discover you want different things, or that this person isn't a compatible rowing partner.
When this happens, you have two sailors in competitive mode - each rowing as hard as they can toward their separate destinations, trying to outwin the other person instead of working collaboratively.
In contrast, when both people are clear about their common direction, they know when to put in more effort and when to rest. When the wind is favorable, they row harder, catching opportunities without any thought of changing boats. During storms or when there's no wind, they know how they should show up together as a team to weather it. ⛈️
Reading the Wind 🌬️
So what does unfavorable wind look like? The warning signs that you're rowing in different directions:
- No reciprocity - you're doing all the work
- Your partner only likes you when you follow their script
- You can't navigate difficult conversations together
- You can't solve problems as a team
- You're operating at completely different levels of emotional maturity
When the wind changes or you discover you're heading toward different destinations, changing course isn't failure - it's wisdom. 🧭
The Active Choice Reframe ✨
Here's what I want to challenge you to consider: it's always an active choice to continue investing effort or to stop. There are many reasons we might choose to stop - maybe the person isn't a good collaborator, maybe the return is less than expected, maybe our goals changed as we learned more about ourselves.
These aren't failures. They're data points you collect about what kind of person you work well with, what brings light into your life, what aligns with your vision.
"There is no success, there is no failure, but there is always something that you get out of it - either the result you wanted or wisdom from the attempt."
Love can be felt through support, respect, service, and willingness to invest time and energy. If any of these is consistently lacking over an extended period, then "this person isn't right for me" - and that's valuable information, not a personal failure. 💝
The Wisdom of Data Collection 📊
With each relationship attempt, you gain more data points about what works for you. This actually increases your chances of reaching your true goal - provided you're willing to change course based on what you've learned.
Over time, you might even develop better instincts about compatibility. These unconscious data points can guide you toward partnerships that feel right from the beginning.
A Different Ending 🌅
What if you approached your next relationship differently? Instead of viewing it as a test you could fail, what if you saw it as collaborative navigation - two capable, independent people discovering whether together you can create something greater than the sum of your parts?
Everything is work in progress. Every ending is a new beginning, wiser and stronger. 🌱